


Daffodils

by Ainasaurus_rex



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: I cried while writing this, Love Letters, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Notes, if ur looking for angst here it is, if ur looking to cry here it is, this is sad as fuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:29:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23976022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ainasaurus_rex/pseuds/Ainasaurus_rex
Summary: DAFFODIL - Regard; Unrequited Love; You're the Only One; The Sun is Always Shining When I'm with You
Relationships: Bill Cipher & Dipper Pines, Bill Cipher/Dipper Pines
Comments: 14
Kudos: 58





	Daffodils

**Author's Note:**

> hOLY SHIT this was a rly this was rly smth I hope u cry as much as I did writing this monster holy cow

Bill awoke to the sunlight streaming through his windows and casting him into a warm embrace. He could hear the birds chirping and singing their songs outside. He was swaddled in his blankets from a night of tossing and turning before he realized that he was alone on the bed. This struck him as odd and he glanced around the room curiously. His wandering gaze was met with an out of place crisp white envelope with golden edges.

He sat up in the bed and rubbed any remnants of sleep from his eyes as he got up and stretched an arm out to grab the envelope. He turned it over and it was in Dipper’s usual messy scrawl that it was addressed to him. ‘To my love’ it read, he cooed at how cute his pine tree was. He opened the letter carefully, not wanting to damage the beautiful envelope. The blonde carefully took the pages that were inside the envelope out.

He could see many pages of Dipper’s fast handwriting inked permanently into the paper. He wondered why there was so much and why he couldn’t just tell him face to face. He began to read.

‘To you who are reading this, my dearly beloved. You hold my entire heart in the palm of your hands. Every day I wake up next to you and see your peaceful sleeping face and my heart brims and overflows with my affection for you.

You will never realize truly how much I love you, sometimes I love you so much that it hurts me, maybe the human body wasn’t capable to hold this much affection for someone. I like to think of the way happiness sparkles in your eyes as you look at me. There are flecks of gold and mocha in your caramel-colored eyes. I sometimes think that I could drown in them if I stare too long.

I always tell you that I love you, but it never amounts to how much I truly feel about you. I don’t think that words could ever describe just how much I do love you. It feels like an infinite chasm in which I could get lost in forever, yet you always find me and push me back towards the surface.

How many years have we spent together? How many memories do we share? Too many to count really. Looking back on our time together I realize that I have never been happier than at your side. You mean the whole universe to me and everything more. Why do I care for you so?

I care for you because even if you don’t see it you are so inexplicably perfect in every single way. You always say that you would never be good enough for someone like me but I see it in the complete opposite way. How could I ever amount to someone as perfect as you? Did you get thrown down from the clouds like a fallen angel because of the envy that they felt when dealing with someone as wonderful as you?

I long for the day where I can see your whole story and feel everything that you have yet to share with me. You know that I love you, but I know that you would dare not love yourself. You always put the blame on yourself and think that you are horrible and wicked. I wish that you could see yourself as I could, with an endless amount of love and affection because you are you.

I think about how long I’ve loved you and I realize that it’s been a while. Sometimes even when you are in the same room I start missing you. It seems a little silly, doesn’t it? You know all of my quirks and habits at this point. You know me better than anyone.

You hold the cosmos in your eyes and I think that you are a star child, a gift sent from the gods. Yet you are so broken, I know you try to hide it from me in fear that it will make me worry, but I will always worry about you because I love you. This smoldering passion that I feel will never fade from me for as long as I’m around.

You are the definition of beauty, whenever I look at you my breath is taken away each and every time. I think that how is it possible that I am graced with such a magnificent presence? I know I love you more than anyone has loved anything. I love you much more than you could ever love me. I love you more than any god has loved humans.

The reason that you are perfect is that you are imperfect, you are not flawless but you are gracefully flawed in ways that make me brim with glee. You make the most out of everything you can do. I know that it has taken a long time for you to change, and I am proud of you for doing so.

Sometimes I feel as if we’ve met in a past life, with how well we get along. How else could I explain the connection that I have with you? Did you know that the chances of finding your soulmate are one in ten thousand? No, not ten thousand people, ten thousand lifetimes. I feel as if I am in that lifetime. I think about how incredibly lucky I am to have you by my side. How incredibly lucky I am that I have found you.

Do you ever wonder how people are meant to be, just as we are? I love you more than I could ever be able to love myself. You hold in yourself my dreams, my future, my pride. You are my absolute everything. Yet you will remain blissfully unaware of the tsunami of feelings that I have for you.

I think that maybe it is a little unhealthy to love someone this much, but I can’t bring myself to care. Because all that matters is that you are by my side. You have promised me forever and you have given me so much. The amount of support that I have received from you would be enough to cover many lifetimes after this one.

It would be a lie to say that I am not sinking and drowning in my love for you. I care about you more than anyone else. You have been there for me since as far as I can remember. I know that you would do everything in your power to make sure that I am okay.

Words will never be able to express how much you mean to me. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t try. You need to know how lovely you are, how much of a good person you are, how much you mean to everyone, and most importantly, how much you mean to me.

The bright neon colors that make up our world seem like a testament to how vibrant my love for you is. If only you could see it. If only you could believe me. You are too stubborn to see how wonderful and amazing you are. You refuse to open your eyes and see yourself as everyone else sees you. Yet I do understand, of course I understand. We are similar in that regard.

Sometimes I feel insecure and that one day you will see that there is a better person out there for you, and then you will certainly stop loving me. I’m afraid that if you do open your eyes and see your value, you will realize that I am nothing compared to you and how great you are. I hold you upon such a high pedestal that I can’t see you anymore because you are past the clouds.

Clouds are always everchanging and so is life. Love is always changing. I can’t say that I will love you the same every day of my life, but I can say that I will love you every day of my life because I love you more and more each and every day. You would wonder how such a thing would be possible when my feelings are already overflowing, there is no room for such a thing to happen, yet here I am experiencing it.

Our life is very mundane and it is the same thing each and every day, but every day is special because I get to spend it with you. That sounds incredibly cheesy, doesn’t it? Sorry about that, but it really is just the way that I feel.

I know that I could never face you and say such things to you directly. I would immediately shut down and I would forget what to say entirely. It could be considered a tragedy at how bad with words I am.

But I do have to tell you that I’m truly sorry. Even when you are with me I am gripped with loneliness and grief over nothing. I feel as lost as I would be in a maze. I can feel myself slipping farther and farther each day.

A new day brings new terrors. A new day brings new sadness. I feel an incredible pain each and every day. I find myself caring about fewer and fewer things. I don’t enjoy what I used to do any longer.

I feel like I could cry every single time that I wake up, the sadness will not let go of me. I no longer feel the energy to continue a life like this. Why should I continue this way? Why should I live just to suffer?

The small things in life that once gave me happiness no longer do such things. This mundane arbitrary life has become bleak and melancholy. I can no longer see the colors of the world as I once did. My rose-tinted lenses have come off of my face and I long to put them back on. Yet I can do no such thing. How could I do such a thing?

I realize day by day that I am losing more energy, I continue to ask myself hourly if life truly is worth living. Why would I live if I cannot feel the joys that life provides? The darkness follows me around as a cloak draped around my shoulders. It is suffocating me at all times of the day and I know not what to do about it.

Everyone has tried to help me, but no one can fix me. We have already gone through all of the pills I could possibly take and nothing has worked. I feel more and more hopeless the more times that I wake up.

Late into the night when I know you are asleep, I begin to sob silently and wish that things were different, to wish that things were better. Your presence provides me a small comfort, but it is drowned out by the despair that I wallow in. Although I cannot bring myself to begin to hate myself, I do hate what I’ve become.

I am only living to live at this point, it seems that nothing will ever work. It seems that my entire life would be shrouded with this darkness. It taints everything I touch. I have bloodstained sleeves and tear-streaked cheeks. How can I live a life like this?

Being tired is the only thing that I feel at this point. I want to rest so badly, but there are people who will be sad at my disappearance, the only one that I do care about is you. I think about how sad you will be once I’m gone, but everyone gets over death at some point. No one grieves forever.

Time moves forward, I know that nothing will stop for me once I’m gone, after all, I am only an insignificant cog in the giant clock we call the universe. I am not essential by any means. Although people have tried to convince me otherwise, it is something I know truly in my heart.

All I ask is that you forgive me for what I have done. I have greatly disappointed you. I have failed you. I was fighting a losing battle. I have no excuses and no one to blame but my own incompetent, imperfect human self. I believe that my greatest fault would be not loving you longer. You were the only thing tethering me to the dreary life that I led. I have to thank you for that.

You will never know how grateful I am to you for being there for me through all my troubles. It pains me to leave you behind, but it doesn’t hurt more than living day to day does. The darkness holds an inky black hold on my heart and grinds it down into nothing. The dust flies away with the slightest breath and I feel as if nothing will ever complete me again

This crippling loneliness follows me wherever I may go and nothing I do seems to shake it off. I do not want to live this life. I would tell you that I’m sorry for my actions but if I was sorry I wouldn’t have done it.

You will be left to deal with the aftermath of my actions and that is something I truly regret. You deserve so much more than that. You deserve so much more than whatever it was that I could possibly give you. You deserve the entire world and everything more. I could never give you that but you know I would have if I could. I hope that someday you do find someone able to do that. Someone who is much better than I could ever have been.

You will find my body downstairs on the couch in a suit because if I’m going to meet god I might as well look nice right? At the point where you are reading this, I should have been dead for a few hours.

I truly hope that in time you will find true happiness without me. I love you. I would certainly miss you. And thank you for everything you have done for me.

Forever yours,

Dipper Pines’

Bill could practically hear his heart-shattering in his chest as he read his beloved pine tree’s last words. He raced down the stairs with tears blurring his vision and came upon Dipper’s body laying on the couch just as he said. He rushed to kneel at the couch beside him and gripped his hand tightly in his own. He let out a sob that wracked through his entire body and let hot searing tears flow down his face.

He closed his eyes tightly and willed to himself that it was all a bad dream, that none of this was really happening, but when he opened his eyes once again he was only met with the harsh and cruel reality that he lived in.

He cried even harder, how was he going to face the world without his sapling by his side? He should have tried harder, he should have done more, he should have given more, he should have done so many things. It was too late. It was far too late for that. He was swimming in regret and his own self-hatred.

The blonde could feel himself shaking with every single breath that he took. He felt like he was drowning in a sea of madness, where the waves would crash down upon his head and pull him back under just as he tried to reach the surface. He couldn’t breathe. 

He looked at Dipper’s still form and sobbed once again at how serene he looked. It was almost as if he was just sleeping, as if he could wake up at any moment. Yet he knew that it wasn’t true, his hand was as cold as ice and held no warmth or comfort. It never gripped him back. And he never opened his bright doe eyes to look at Bill.

He was completely overcome with grief, and he didn’t know how long he had been sitting there, crying over his lost love. To him, it could have been days, or it could have been weeks. He couldn’t bear to leave his dead lover’s side. It felt as if he would never be able to cope with the new loss.

It felt as if there was a hole in his chest where his heart resided. Bill felt numb and cold, he could feel himself sinking into the darkness. He sat with his back to the couch and closed his eyes. He had run out of tears to cry. He didn’t know how much he had in him. He felt himself crumble and shatter into a million different pieces and he absently thought to himself that he would never be able to pick up the pieces ever again.

* * *

There wasn’t a single ray of sunshine peeking through the dark gray clouds that day. Bill walked towards his destination, the leaves crunching under his feet as he walked forward. He sighed and he could smell rain in the air, there was a storm coming for certain. He gripped the bouquet tighter in his palms, the paper crinkling as he tightened his hold.

He had steeled himself not to cry before he got there.

The blonde reached his destination in the span of a 5-minute walk. It was quite short, he thought. He slowly made his way over to the grave before him. It was sleek and simple, the writing was in gold lettering, he designed the grave himself. 

It read ‘Here lies Dipper Pines, a beloved sapling who withered too soon.’

Bill let a single tear run down his cheek as he kneeled before the grave to place down the bouquet. It was made entirely of daffodils. They were a bright yellow, contrasting greatly to the current weather.

It had been another year that he could not move past his death. Another year that he still longed for his pine tree to be with him. Another year filled to the brim with grief.

“Do you want to know what daffodils mean, sapling?” He didn’t wait for an answer that he would never get. “They mean regard, unrequited love, you’re the only one, the sun is always shining when I’m with you.”

He let out a pained sob and held himself back from crying more, “They perfectly depict how I feel about you, pine tree.” His voice broke.

Bill slowly wrapped his arms around the gravestone and let himself cry to his heart’s content, after all, it was a special anniversary.

Today marked the 300th year since Dipper Pines had killed himself. Today marked the 300th year that Bill Cipher could not move on.


End file.
